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About Me:

And now for something completely different.

I've split my profile up into the following sections. Please feel free to read the entirety (estimated reading time of 6 minutes and 7 seconds) or skip to the bits that really matter to you.

Section 1: Introduction: for the ones who will lose interest in 10 seconds

Section 2: Don't take my word for it: what others say about me

Section 3: Introduction: for the ones who stayed

Section 4: Why am I on IE?

Section 5: Why should you choose me? Unabridged version

Section 6: Why should you choose me? Very much bridged version

Section 7: What is it like being a man on IE? Forthcoming
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Section 1: Introduction: for the ones who will lose interest in 10 seconds

Three facts about me to put up front.

First. I am 171cm. Someone asked me, "same height lying down?". I said yes but I had no real clue what she meant. Anyone?

Second. I am bald and it pretty much happened in 2021. Some of you more poetically abled women have referred to this as "follically challenged."

Third. I am average looking. I'd rate myself a 4 or a 5. 5.5 on a good day.

These three facts seem to be enough for 95.6% of you to lose interest. If that is you, thanks for rea.....

Everyone else, please carry on.

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Section 2 - Don't take my word for it: what others say about me

- Ranked 32nd in 'Tatler's 50 most eligible husbands' (March 2023 edition) (2022 ranking: 45, narrowly beating Matt Hancock at 47)

- "What a lovely boy" - my mom

- "Such a cute bum" - my wife

- "You are just...[gestures chef's kiss]" - my first "fling" (not on IE, if you can even call it a fling)

- "Marry me?" someone from IE who then decided to ghost me. Classic IE behaviour.

- "You're so posh" - my first proper affair (through IE). I'm really not, the seafood options just looked better

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Section 3: Introduction: for the ones who stayed

The first thing about me that's going to grab your attention is my accent. It isn't what you think it is and I'm not from where you think it might come from.

In private, l am quiet, introspective and curious. As a random stranger on the train, l am soft spoken and polite. With friends, l am outrageous and wacky. As a lover I am attentive and love to give.

I work in financial services in the City but l am anything but corporate.

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Section 4: Why am I on IE?

Two reasons:
1) British women, by which I mean women who live in Britain, deserve better.
2) Why not?

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Section 5: Why should you choose me? - Unabridged version

I know what you're thinking. You want a sexy, steamy affair with a hunk. Like that hot French dude in Unfaithful that cucked Richard Gere. You don't want a short, bald, dude who thinks he's a 5.5 at best. No, no no. The horror. What would your mother think? "I'm sooooooo glad she swiped right". Sure.

So why should you choose me?

1) Because even though I have it on good authority that Henry Cavill is on IE, he has a terribly long waiting list. Just think of me as someone you can get some practice sessions in on illicit dating before you finally get to meet Henry and that legendary jawline.

2) I offer much less than other men. You see, other men will offer to ghost you; flash you with unappetising pics of their pork-swords; lie to you; waste your time; be creepy; be creepy and stalk you; pose as alphas when really they are betas; you get the gist. I do not offer this. And that is why I offer much less than other men.

3) I know what you want. You want a funny man who smells great and clicks with you and will spoil you. You want someone who can read your mind and will text you exactly when you want him to. You want someone who only lives 30 mins away for quick escapades. Someone who likes climbing mountains whilst on the beach with you and walking his cat with your dog. Someone tall and athletic with a clean shaven stubble. Someone handsome enough that you'll get wet imagining him going down on you but not handsome enough that you'll feel intimidated and jealous when you're out with him. Someone with blue left eye and a hazel right eye. Well endowed (because he has a trust fund backing him). An absolute whopper of a chopper but not too much of a whopper chopper that it hurts your lady parts. Someone who looks one-third Mediterranean, twelve-sixths Viking and 90% silver fox. Someone intelligent who can string a sentence together but not speak too much to become overwhelming. Someone who likes kissing and has more stamina than your partner at home (who whilst admittedly is good at giving a lot of orgasms, ends up directing this pleasure to himself mostly). That can't be much to ask you rightly wonder. Unfortunately, I can't offer this. But I know what you want.

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Section 6: Why should you choose me? - Very bridged version

- You'll always have somewhere to sit when I'm around.
- I will send you memes at random times.
- I won't take you bowling.
- I will eat lots of pineapples for the week before our meets.
- I won't kill you.
- I stopped wetting the bed when I was 12.

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Section 7: What is it like being a man on IE?

Forthcoming.

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Ideal Partner:

- Someone who is confident in themselves.

- Someone who laughs at their own jokes.

BONUS POINTS IF YOU HAVE:

- Shorter hairstyles. But admittedly longer hair is easier to pull on...

- Freckles (the more the better)

- An accent (French/ltalian/Afrikaans/lrish/Spanish/Portuguese/Polish/Baltic/Scandinavian/Scottish/North American/Russian/German/other?)

Other Interests:

Music - World

Gifts Received Recently :